5th April 2011
Cheryl Cole US career on hold as 'Americans won't understand the point of her'
Cole, possibly with hair extensions |
The hair product hawker had intended to host the US version of schadenfreude-spectacular the X Factor but American producers are said to be wary of taking on someone who seems to lack any real point, regardless of the fact that Brits have taken to her heavily produced singing and hair.
X Factor
"Look, she's a lovely broad," growled CBS producer O. Dated St Ereotype between cigar chomps.
"But we've plenty of lovely bits of skirt here. With much better hooh-hahs too. Goddam it, sweet sweater puppies alone are worth putting a fine piece in front of the camera, yessirree."
Factor 8
Critics point out to failed attempts by London It girls of the 1990s to make it big in the US and municipal fanny Jordan's recent failure.
"A lot of famous Brits think that simply because they speak the same vapid, empty language devoid of any real substance, that they can make it big in the US. What they forget is that they are up against a lot more pointless individuals who are just more palatable to Americans – the Hiltons and Tia Tequilas of this world," said Prof Norbet Cummings, head of media studies at Cambridge University.
"In addition, Americans are only accustomed to two types of British pointlessness – either the aristocracy with their received pronunciation, or vapid former newspaper editors – that Cheryl's distinct type of pointlessness is hopeless."
Agent Orange
However, if Cole does fail she can rest comfortably that she will still be lauded in Britain where here pointlessness is considered normal.
Tony Blair, former UK prime minister and Middle East Peace Envoy, will continue his speaking tour of the US throughout 2011 and into 2012.
X Factor
"Look, she's a lovely broad," growled CBS producer O. Dated St Ereotype between cigar chomps.
"But we've plenty of lovely bits of skirt here. With much better hooh-hahs too. Goddam it, sweet sweater puppies alone are worth putting a fine piece in front of the camera, yessirree."
Factor 8
Critics point out to failed attempts by London It girls of the 1990s to make it big in the US and municipal fanny Jordan's recent failure.
"A lot of famous Brits think that simply because they speak the same vapid, empty language devoid of any real substance, that they can make it big in the US. What they forget is that they are up against a lot more pointless individuals who are just more palatable to Americans – the Hiltons and Tia Tequilas of this world," said Prof Norbet Cummings, head of media studies at Cambridge University.
"In addition, Americans are only accustomed to two types of British pointlessness – either the aristocracy with their received pronunciation, or vapid former newspaper editors – that Cheryl's distinct type of pointlessness is hopeless."
Agent Orange
However, if Cole does fail she can rest comfortably that she will still be lauded in Britain where here pointlessness is considered normal.
Tony Blair, former UK prime minister and Middle East Peace Envoy, will continue his speaking tour of the US throughout 2011 and into 2012.
