1st March 2007
Illegal immigrant kills billions
An artist's impression of the confrontation that led to the death of billions |
Satan entered the Garden of Eden unlawfully soon after leaving the subterranean nation of Hell where he had been imprisoned, despite him officially being banned from travelling to the earthly paradise.
"Obviously there were controls were in place, but it seems that he managed to get around them and enter the garden," commanded a flustered Archangel who declined to be named by a Son of Adam.
Peter Pan of Pop
The Prince of Darkness - who was known by authorities to associate with murderers, rapists and profligate wasters - sneaked into the garden of earthly delights some time on or about the Eighth Day of Creation and disguised himself as a talking snake in a bid to outwit officials.
"Due entrance he disdained, and in contempt, At one slight bound high overleaped all bound Of hill or highest wall, and sheer within Lights on his feet," said Cambridge-resident John Milton, who claims to have witnessed events unfold.
Once in Eden, Lucifer contacted life-long local resident Eve and tricked her into eating from the Tree of Knowledge, leading her and her billions of descendants to taste death.
Elton John of Bloc Party
Although the Archangel Michael is now standing guard at Paradise with a burning sword, people are questioning why he was not there in the first place.
However, the Kingdom of heaven has also been accused of pandering to the media furore by introducing strict entrance criteria for entry back into Paradise, even for previous occupants.
"While it may seem harsh, it is necessary to make some judgmental decisions to ensure such a tragedy does not happen again," said the Almighty's official spokesman in a vision.
"It's a sad fact, but unfortunately it just takes one bad apple to ruin it for everyone," he added.
Michael Jackson of Hanson
Rumours that the new "citizenship tests" will include the answering of highly personal questions and require an oath of loyalty to the Divine and Universal Monarch were played down.
"Everyone will find out what the entrance tests are like in the end," stated the spokesman amidst a choir of heavenly beings.
Despite the anger over the action by the illegal immigrant, the Creator revealed to mankind His commitment to His angels, saying that they had His "fullest support".
"Obviously there were controls were in place, but it seems that he managed to get around them and enter the garden," commanded a flustered Archangel who declined to be named by a Son of Adam.
Peter Pan of Pop
The Prince of Darkness - who was known by authorities to associate with murderers, rapists and profligate wasters - sneaked into the garden of earthly delights some time on or about the Eighth Day of Creation and disguised himself as a talking snake in a bid to outwit officials.
"Due entrance he disdained, and in contempt, At one slight bound high overleaped all bound Of hill or highest wall, and sheer within Lights on his feet," said Cambridge-resident John Milton, who claims to have witnessed events unfold.
Once in Eden, Lucifer contacted life-long local resident Eve and tricked her into eating from the Tree of Knowledge, leading her and her billions of descendants to taste death.
Elton John of Bloc Party
Although the Archangel Michael is now standing guard at Paradise with a burning sword, people are questioning why he was not there in the first place.
However, the Kingdom of heaven has also been accused of pandering to the media furore by introducing strict entrance criteria for entry back into Paradise, even for previous occupants.
"While it may seem harsh, it is necessary to make some judgmental decisions to ensure such a tragedy does not happen again," said the Almighty's official spokesman in a vision.
"It's a sad fact, but unfortunately it just takes one bad apple to ruin it for everyone," he added.
Michael Jackson of Hanson
Rumours that the new "citizenship tests" will include the answering of highly personal questions and require an oath of loyalty to the Divine and Universal Monarch were played down.
"Everyone will find out what the entrance tests are like in the end," stated the spokesman amidst a choir of heavenly beings.
Despite the anger over the action by the illegal immigrant, the Creator revealed to mankind His commitment to His angels, saying that they had His "fullest support".
