25th December 2007
Jesus dreading family Christmas
Jesus weeping down the pub |
Describing it as "a scene that has been repeated for 2,000 years now", the Nazareth-based apprentice carpenter and professional Messiah fears that there is to be punch up "before the Christmas pudding is lit" at his Father's table in heaven.
Annual tradition
"It happens every year," said the Lord and Saviour. "Joseph gets resentful that he has to share the same table with my natural father, even though he feels that he was the one who raised me.
"We're lucky to make it to the sherry without one or the other storming away from the table to go to the Pearly Gates [the local pub] or threaten to blacken the other's eye, or cast the other into oblivion for all eternity."
Six days, wood
"It doesn't help that God holds the conversation around the table with tales of how he created the world in only six days, then he patronisingly asks what I have made out of wood recently, and how long that took," Joseph said.
"In addition, while I work most of the year to carve Jesus some wooden toys, God seems to think that by spakething the word and making it flesh, plastic, or a video game on the day, that somehow counts. And being omniscient, he always knows what Jesus wants so he never have to worry about feigned delight."
God declined to comment, but His official spokesbeing-of-light, the Archangel Gabriel, read a prepared statement to members of the press: "The Almighty wishes to enjoy a quiet Christmas with just his family this year.
"He wishes and commands that personal affairs be kept personal, but adds that he extends His goodwill to all men at this time of year, regardless of how high or low their station is in life."
Joy to the world
Joseph declared this to be "just bloody typical" of the Light of light and that "if he takes that tone with me over the turkey, there's going to be trouble, I don’t care how bloody omnipotent he thinks he is".
Jesus, however, groaned and said that he sometimes wishes he could have a quiet Christmas with all his children, and that if things go awry this year, he plans to spend next Christmas in Turkey or Mexico "away from my bloody holy family".
Annual tradition
"It happens every year," said the Lord and Saviour. "Joseph gets resentful that he has to share the same table with my natural father, even though he feels that he was the one who raised me.
"We're lucky to make it to the sherry without one or the other storming away from the table to go to the Pearly Gates [the local pub] or threaten to blacken the other's eye, or cast the other into oblivion for all eternity."
Six days, wood
"It doesn't help that God holds the conversation around the table with tales of how he created the world in only six days, then he patronisingly asks what I have made out of wood recently, and how long that took," Joseph said.
"In addition, while I work most of the year to carve Jesus some wooden toys, God seems to think that by spakething the word and making it flesh, plastic, or a video game on the day, that somehow counts. And being omniscient, he always knows what Jesus wants so he never have to worry about feigned delight."
God declined to comment, but His official spokesbeing-of-light, the Archangel Gabriel, read a prepared statement to members of the press: "The Almighty wishes to enjoy a quiet Christmas with just his family this year.
"He wishes and commands that personal affairs be kept personal, but adds that he extends His goodwill to all men at this time of year, regardless of how high or low their station is in life."
Joy to the world
Joseph declared this to be "just bloody typical" of the Light of light and that "if he takes that tone with me over the turkey, there's going to be trouble, I don’t care how bloody omnipotent he thinks he is".
Jesus, however, groaned and said that he sometimes wishes he could have a quiet Christmas with all his children, and that if things go awry this year, he plans to spend next Christmas in Turkey or Mexico "away from my bloody holy family".
