30th September 2008
Panic sweeps the City at crisis
The governor's rescue package hangs by a rope |
The Treasury has issued a statement urging financiers to "remain calm", but this has done little to stop the reactions of workers across the capital.
"There is no need for this kind of chaos," Bank deputy-governor Charles Bean said. "In fact we should all... No, no, I can't lie any more. Scream, run, run while you still can, it's unbearable, it's..."
Mr Bean was removed by red-coated porters before he could complete his sentence. However, rumours of high-profile cases of giving in to panic include:
Despite the lack of composure by the UK's financial guiding lights, ordinary people are largely taking the crisis in their stride.
However, experts state that they will soon be whistling a different tune when their jobs go and houses are repossessed.
In response, the BBC has ordered all female performers in Strictly Come Dancing to reveal even more cleavage and thigh in order to placate the masses.
"There is no need for this kind of chaos," Bank deputy-governor Charles Bean said. "In fact we should all... No, no, I can't lie any more. Scream, run, run while you still can, it's unbearable, it's..."
Mr Bean was removed by red-coated porters before he could complete his sentence. However, rumours of high-profile cases of giving in to panic include:
- Bank governor Mervn King had to have a glass of water splashed on his face to calm him down.
- Morgan Stanley vice-president Lara Binbridges had to be slapped repeatedly across the face by male colleagues to calm her hysterics.
- HBOS's Andy Hornby spent the morning running around his office in circles, quivering his lips with his index finger, going "whooo-hoo".
- Bradford & Bingley boss Rod Kent tore all his hair out and ripped a Yellow Pages in half, going "aaaarrrgh".
- Chancellor Alaistair Darling's eyebrows went white.
- The prime minister updated his Facebook status to "Gordon Brown is up shitcreek, and you're all coming with me".
Despite the lack of composure by the UK's financial guiding lights, ordinary people are largely taking the crisis in their stride.
However, experts state that they will soon be whistling a different tune when their jobs go and houses are repossessed.
In response, the BBC has ordered all female performers in Strictly Come Dancing to reveal even more cleavage and thigh in order to placate the masses.
