9th January 2008
Supervillain cleans up at safety awards
Mr Achilles claiming his prize |
Draxian Achilles, the man who tops MI6's, the CIA's, FSB's and Unit's most wanted lists, arrived in person to collect commendations that included "most improved workplace", "leader in change for safety" and "recognition for reduction in accidental acid pit deaths".
Work recognised
With a manic laugh, the brilliant scientist turned supervillain after the tragic death of his son thanked "the pitiful fools" at the H&SE for awarding him the prizes and vowed that with this recognition he was "now invincible".
However, Mr Achilles also added that the awards also recognised the "serious and far too often fatal" hazards of working in the world domination industry.
"My profession has a long and unenviable track record when it comes to workplace accidents. Supervillains work in one of the world's most hazardous industries, with the death rate at nearly 100 per cent since the 1960s," Mr Achilles told the audience via a vast telescreen.
"Not only is it dangerous, but the deaths themselves are amongst the most grisly imaginable. Former colleagues have been hurled from aeroplanes, lowered into radioactive slime, fed to sharks or even shot with a compressed gas bullet."
Immovable government
However, despite the well documented deaths of supervillains, Mr Achilles blamed governments for failing to act to improve the industry.
"In fact, more often than not it was a government [secret] agent who was to blame for these mishaps," he added.
The H&SE praised Mr Achilles for "taking the initiative" in reducing spy-related deaths for henchmen, introducing multi-operator failsafes to prevent a single agent from stopping a vital countdown, and for introducing ISO9000-compliant procedures for ensuring captives stay captive.
Irresistible force
Safety awards follow a recent commendation from the RSPCA for Mr Achilles' SpectralCorp and its habitat improvements for sharks and alligators, in addition to his patent-waived humane laser attachment for sharks' heads.
Commenting on his awards, Mr Achilles joked that they had just 24 hours to deliver $30 million (around £257.79 at current rates) to his Swiss bank account or he'd launch a nuclear weapon at New York.
"No, seriously, you have until noon tomorrow, or the city shall be laid to waste," he quipped as the assembled delegates started to loudly and theatrically talk to each other in panic, flap their arms and scatter papers.
Work recognised
With a manic laugh, the brilliant scientist turned supervillain after the tragic death of his son thanked "the pitiful fools" at the H&SE for awarding him the prizes and vowed that with this recognition he was "now invincible".
However, Mr Achilles also added that the awards also recognised the "serious and far too often fatal" hazards of working in the world domination industry.
"My profession has a long and unenviable track record when it comes to workplace accidents. Supervillains work in one of the world's most hazardous industries, with the death rate at nearly 100 per cent since the 1960s," Mr Achilles told the audience via a vast telescreen.
"Not only is it dangerous, but the deaths themselves are amongst the most grisly imaginable. Former colleagues have been hurled from aeroplanes, lowered into radioactive slime, fed to sharks or even shot with a compressed gas bullet."
Immovable government
However, despite the well documented deaths of supervillains, Mr Achilles blamed governments for failing to act to improve the industry.
"In fact, more often than not it was a government [secret] agent who was to blame for these mishaps," he added.
The H&SE praised Mr Achilles for "taking the initiative" in reducing spy-related deaths for henchmen, introducing multi-operator failsafes to prevent a single agent from stopping a vital countdown, and for introducing ISO9000-compliant procedures for ensuring captives stay captive.
Irresistible force
Safety awards follow a recent commendation from the RSPCA for Mr Achilles' SpectralCorp and its habitat improvements for sharks and alligators, in addition to his patent-waived humane laser attachment for sharks' heads.
Commenting on his awards, Mr Achilles joked that they had just 24 hours to deliver $30 million (around £257.79 at current rates) to his Swiss bank account or he'd launch a nuclear weapon at New York.
"No, seriously, you have until noon tomorrow, or the city shall be laid to waste," he quipped as the assembled delegates started to loudly and theatrically talk to each other in panic, flap their arms and scatter papers.
