DO YOU KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME AT ALL?

Once again, it's the season to bring trees into the house and for comedians across the country to regurgitate clichés about families bickering over the dinner table, awful jumpers and dads getting socks. This year, Christmas Day falls on December 25th, but unlike tax return day, you cannot go to jail for forgetting this.

Yet despite the effort of several popstars, who put in a good few hours recording a song the other year, no one is keen to remind us it's Christmas time 2006. Bonio has decided to join the rest of U2 in spending his Christmas Day diving into a big pit full of gold or buying new sunglasses, just like any other day.

Without such worthy reminders, take this quiz to find out if you are a Christmas pudding or a Christmas cracker.

1 Getting up for work at this time of year, don you now:

a. A black suit, black tie and grey shirt.

b. Gay apparel.

c. A bright red suit trimmed with white fur, complete with matching hat.

2 You go into a wine bar and ask for a glass of house red. The barman asks how you would like it served. You say:

a. With a whisky chaser.

b. With a "ho ho ho".

c. With the contents of a spice rack emptied into it, then heated.

3 How are your halls decked?:

a. With cobwebs, cracks and a 1970s Formica telephone table in the corner.

b. With boughs of holly.

c. With firework explosions made into pure tat, along with plastic images of smiling Santas, holly wreaths and a landing strip's worth of twinkling lights.

4 You hear a Christmas tune in the shops. How do you react?:

a. By retching violently. Which is unfortunate for the other shoppers.

b. You smile jollily, wishing the next three people you meet to have a "merry Christmas and a happy New Year".

c. Joining in, then going to the kitchen department to get a mug to collect donations as you run through a selection of carols.

5 You nip out to the shops to pick up your usual fare of fags, eight Special Brews, bread, milk and a Pot Noodle. But what do you actually purchase?:

a. Nothing because of the queues of Christmas shoppers.

b. As above, but you throw in some Mr Kipling Extra Special mince pies to treat yourself at this time of year.

c. As above, but with a turkey flavoured Pot Noodle as well as stuffing, Christmas pudding, brandy butter and 5kg of Brussels sprouts.

6 A group of carol singers knock on your front door and start singing. Do you?:

a. Slam the door in their face with a "ho ho ho".

b. Listening appreciatively and slip them your loose change.

c. Invite them in, give them cakes and join them in calling in on your neighbours.

7 When it comes to Christmas television, you:

a. Get sick of the build up, the appearance of third-rate comedians with trite clichés about the Great Escape, then the script-writer's holiday that are the usual collections of Christmas specials, that are as special as their needs.

b. Watch the Queen's Speech, but for you Christmas Day is about eating and gift giving.

c. Watch everything from 6pm on Christmas Eve until 11pm Boxing Day, catching up on video anything you may have missed through incidental gift giving, eating or excreting.

8 As a child, you believed that Father Christmas was:

a. A rather scary idea, what with the notion of an old man spying on kids throughout the year then visiting them in their rooms late at night.

b. Your dad, but you didn't care.

c. An embodiment of all things about Christmas, neatly meshing the commercial aspects with the religious in the image of St Nicholas.

9 The greatest story ever told is:

a. The one about your mate, two strippers in a hotel room and a bottle of tequila.

b. The Nativity

c. The Nativity and how it links to the one about your mate, two strippers in a hotel room and a bottle of tequila.

10 Last Christmas, you gave:

a. The Queen the finger during her speech.

b. Your heart. But it was given away on Boxing Day like an unwanted puppy.

c. Half your annual salary in gifts, cards and drinks to colleagues and casual acquaintances.

Now to calculate your score:

Mostly a

Bah gobstopper. Scrooge has nothing on you and though you appreciate the day off of work, you are as welcome at an office party as an evil elf who steals presents.

Mostly b

Mince pie mincer. You certainly know that Christmas is coming and that you are getting fat, but for you it's one of several high points of the year, up there with your annual leave or the August Bank Holiday.

Mostly c

Brandy butter nutter. Not only do you know it's Christmas, you wish that it could be everyday. In fact, you probably have two calendars, one which always displays December 25th and another which counts down to the big day.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!