What kind of lord are you?
Once upon a time, lords and
ladies roamed the land, stalking deer and peasants to shoot and rarely mingling
with the hoi poloi. Yet go down to any playground and
ask a child what kind of lords there are today and before you get torn away by
a baying mob of News of the World readers for being a paediatrician, kids will
tell you that you're most likely to meet a Gaylord.
In addition on a trip to the
With such confusion in the
air, Innit News has come up with a simple quiz to
help you determine what kind of lord you are.
1) On a night out, you are attacked by a mugger. What do
you do?
a. Holding your arms to your sides and back ramrod
straight, you give a deft kick to the attacker's chin and you dance off into
the night.
b. Draw your sword and chop off the attacker's
appendages.
c. Give over your money and go crying home, telling your
mother that "nothing" is wrong with you.
2) Big night out on the town, how do you dress?
a. Tight black trousers, pointy shoes, no shirt, a head
band, and plenty of sweat.
b. Ermine robes and mediaeval gear.
c. Smart shoes, white socks, corduroy trousers,
buttoned-up polo shirt and jumper tucked into trousers. With white y-fronts
underneath.
3) You hear the sound of Irish music in the distance,
how do you instinctively react?
a. Grab some nearby women,
force them into a line whilst you prance up and down by them, making a break
only to simulate sexual intercourse with them.
b. Feel the urge to invade towns, giving no quarter and
causing hundreds of years' worth of resentment.
c. Getting out a penny whistle, joining in and
encouraging others to sing along with you.
4) You are caught asleep on your job, what's your excuse?
a. You have been dancing all over the world and your
legs deserve a rest.
b. You're a member of the upper house of the British
Parliament, it's expected of you.
c. You didn't sleep last night because you had a dream
and wet the bed.
5) Where do you live?
a. In a large house made from the proceeds of hundreds
of Americans keen to fork out for your shows owing to their laughable claims to
a heritage.
b. In a castle that has been in your family hundreds of
years.
c. With your mother.
6) You are proud of your family because:
a. You broke out of the bog pit ghetto to achieve
worldwide fame.
b. They are one of the oldest families in the land and
have been involved in most major battles, on one side or the other, in that
time.
c. Your mum makes the best spag-bol
around. Such a shame that your father left soon after you were born, but we
don't mention him, it upsets mother.
7) What rights does your status bring?
a. The freedom of the city of
b. Droit de seigneur, the right to
deflower the maidens (if any) of your domain.
c. The right to expect to be excluded form most social
events and for the other kids to laugh at you.
8) Who is your nemesis?
a. The evil dark lord Don Dorcha
as he attempts to take over Planet
b. The evil dark lord Tony Blair as he attempts to boot
you out of your centuries-held seat merely because you personally have done
nothing to earn a place in deciding the
c. Cyril Fletcher, though you won't be telling anyone in
authority about this as he said he'd kill you if you did.
9) The thought of performing in public makes you:
a. Rip off your shirt and start tapping away, adding
more people before building into a performance before 25,000 in
b. Rip on a dead stoat and parade down to the Houses of
Parliament for the Royal Opening.
c. Rip out your hair with worry that everyone –
everyone! – will be looking at you and you know that they are going to laugh at
the way you speak.
10) Amongst your fans you can count:
a. A broad cross-section of the public, which as
resulted in sell-put shows in front of thousands.
b. Monarchists, Americans, Archbishops, party donors,
particularly rich ones.
c. Your mum.
Count up your answers:
Mostly A: Bejesus, to be sure, you're a Lord of the Dance! Begorrah, dance, then, wherever you may be, for you shall
never stop tip-tapping your toes whenever a draw and screechy violin get put
into motion.
Mostly B:
Good gracious your grace, you are a Lord Temporal! You have the right to drink
in the Houses of Parliament, wear pantomime costumes as part of your job and
send your children to
Mostly C:
Gaylord! Oh my gosh, you're such a Gaylord, I can't
believe it.